No Good Women

I’ve always been nice, too nice. Always courteous and gracious when faced with dismissal or disrespect. The thought of being “too nice” always baffled me. How can you be too nice? What is the perfect balance between gentility and hardheartedness? What does this even have to do with the topic at hand? Well, I am about to tell you exactly why too nice girls make no-good women and why in this case, nice girls certainly do finish last.

This is personal, like so many things I write. As aforementioned, I was a nice girl. I still am to a degree but, I’ll tell you what my kindness got me…. baggage. No, I’m not talking about the baggage Erykah warns you about or the kind you can neatly pack away and pull out when things get serious. I’m talking the baggage of other people. Bags I didn’t ask for, I didn’t want, and my back could no longer handle. What is “people baggage”? It seems simple to decipher but when I say people baggage I’m not simply talking about the emotional and psychological loads adopted from others you encounter. I’m speaking of the person themselves in their entirety. The unwavering lasso around your waist that can easily become the noose around your neck.

Listen, everyone has had an experience or two with those people that drain you. That feed off your energy and only seem to show up when they need another fill. My problem, and the problem of so many nice girls, is that those people attach themselves to you in undetectable ways. Let me explain with a flashback.

So many odd years ago….

I was dating a guy, a good guy. He was kind to me. We went on dates, we spent time together, I met is family. I’m telling you the whole nine. The night I fell for him I left my keys in my sister’s car an hour away from where we went out. He drove me to her house, an hour back to my car, and he fed a sister. Food is my ultimate weakness ya’ll. To most people that just seems like the decent thing to do but for a young girl struggling to find the beauty in herself who had only had genuinely kind encounters with very few people, it meant the world. After that I was willing to go to bat for him no matter the case. I let my guard down and was more open with him than I had even been with myself. We went grocery shopping together (fellas, that’s a big one), I had a key to his home, drove his car, basically played house. The problem with opening yourself up to someone is that you are inviting them into you in more aspects than you may acknowledge.

After a whole year of blissful ignorance, he tells me he “doesn’t want to rush into another relationship” [eyes rolled so hard they were stuck to the back of my head]. As you can imagine things didn’t go so smoothly after that. Eventually, we severed ties…or so I thought.

Somehow me and him had become a package. Not in the cute “we gon’ always be together” way but, in the fact that our lives had intertwined. He kept in constant contact with me, as I now know ain’t s**t men tend to do. His family also continued to reach out to me. His grandmother even tried to “hook us up” after he had already entered a relationship. Being the nice girl it’s hard to just tell people to leave you alone, especially when you have formed a close relationship with these people (I’m talking about his family and friends, not him). So, unsurprisingly this continued for I ashamed to say, 2 years. I continued to be a confidant and support system to him during this time. Allowing him the freedom to use me when he saw fit because in my mind he had not harmed me. He was a nice person, right? I’m a nice person, right? Then there shouldn’t be a problem with me being there for him in the same capacity as before, just sans romance, right? WRONG!

Being there from him left me emotionally drained and attached leaving little room to pursue anyone else. Instead of a wall of distrust awaiting potential suitors it was a fortress of maybes. Maybe we’ll get back together. Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe he’ll be ready for a relationship. People baggage has a way of making you feel as if the load has a purpose, so you don’t quite see it for what it is.

Being nice makes it easy for you to give too much of yourself to people. While it’s not bad to form connections with people and stay in their lives, don’t over extend yourself to live up to your ideal of being a good person. If you give all of yourself to everyone else there won’t be anything left for you much less someone who wants to really be with you. It’s hard to be a good woman for anyone when you’re worn down from the baggage of others.

This guy wasn’t the first to pry his way into my life and hold on to me because he knew I would be there. He wasn’t even the last. Until August of 2017 I was toting around the baggage of nearly every man I had ever dated. I only dated from the ages of 18 -23 making my load a lot lighter than several women that are still stuck being nice girls to not so nice men. In my opinion, cutting those ties allowed me to grow beyond the girl I had been while with them. It allowed me to become a better woman so that when I do meet someone they won’t be facing a castle of what could be. In summary, stop being a nice girl so that you can become a good woman.

So, remember…

Keigan Ross